Christmas Come Early
Remember when you were 10 years old? August would roll around, and you’d already be thinking about all the crazy awesome shit you were gonna be getting for Christmas? Dude, remember the second Ninja Turtles movie? I remember when I got my VHS copy of that…I was so stoked! “Go ninja, go ninja, go!” Whatever happened to that guy? Anyway, the point is, I knew I was receiving that movie from my parents way back in August, but I had to wait until Christmas to get it.
Fast forward 15 years of my life, and do your best to ignore all the masturbating, crying, and soul-consuming debt on the way. Christmas is about to come early my friends, and when I say my friends, I mean the people reading this who I’ve actually never met, likely will never meet, but would pretend to know if asked about them by outsiders. We’ve been waiting with baited breath for Christmas to come again, and by the grace of Snakes on a Plane it has…and in the Spring no less!
However, there is one fundamental difference between the two scenarios in this appallingly heinous analogy: we haven’t been waiting 4 months. We’ve been waiting 4 years. Actually, now that I think about it, there are lots of fundamental differences, but let’s keep our eyes on that one.
March 1 is coming, and with it comes a new bike, some Legos, a kit to make caramel apples, and our very own copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2…all in the form of girthy men in numbered uniforms of varying sizes, but all having that distinctive “new player” smell.
Go back and check your calendars for the last time we had the kind of cash to idly throw about like I do when I hit the Turkish massage room. It’s been awhile. A LONG while.
I don’t know about you, but when I go to the record store with $50 in my pants, I don’t tend to walk out with much of it left. Wait, you’re gonna give me $37.2 million and I can make a run at anything in the store? I’ve got something else in my pants now.
Whether or not we actually leave the Free Agent Store with Adalius Thomas, Nate Clements, Asante Samuel, Drew Bennett, or some combination thereof, isn’t it nice to know that FINALLY, after all this waiting, we technically COULD leave with all of them if there weren’t human emotions and other teams involved?
And as if that’s not enough, we’ve also got that little 7-round Festival of Picks in late April to look forward to as well. It’s almost like Coach and Scotty Mac have been planning this for years…
So even though the last 4 years + have been filled with gut-wrenching pain, nerve-killing anguish, and millions of fingers pointed at us in a mocking fashion from around the National Football League, take heart. It’s Christmas Come Early. Santa’s going scarlet and gold this year. Jesus is being born in an abandoned warehouse near the wharf. And for the first time in a long time, the 49ers get to do the laughing.
Didn’t I tell you I’d be back with some money, bitch?